So, sitting here now getting ready to tell you how a slightly-more-adjusted human is dealing with the start of year two of grad school and Pittsburgh living, I realize I never told you all about the Dublin part of my Ireland trip. Which is for sure my bad cuz it was for sure amazing. I will not, however get into it right now as there are other things on my mind (but if you ever wanna hear about it, we can grab coffee and I'll talk your ear off about it for as long as you'll let me; my Ireland-talk has no end and no decrease in enthusiasm basically ever.)
What is on my mind is that this time(ish) last year I was in a crazy-stressed, lonely, scary little bubble of insecurity from being in a new place facing a giant new challenge that I wasn't sure (and tbh am still not sure sometimes) will pan out in the end for all the trouble it's worth. And on top of all of that I was trying (very unconvincingly I now realize. like the worst.) to pretend that I was totally not feeling that way. But I definitely was, for those of you who happen to be more unobservant than I am.
And I'm still definitely crazy-stressed, and still doubt my abilities and have an occasional existential crisis, but thinking back on those first couple months I can safely say I am so much happier. I do spend a lot of time alone (roomie is a very busy tax person who is probs more stressed than me most days, and I tend to be kind of hermit-y) but I've started visiting a nearby coffee shop, and I actually have friends here now; some really spectacular humans, both from undegrad, and that I've met through work and grad school (if I didn't have you people I might lose my mind, thank you.) Shout out especially to my Grad School people; there is literally nothing that helps more when you're overwhelmed than to have other people going through the exact same thing to get a drink with and commiserate. I'm so thankful for you people.
Not only that but I have more people than I deserve all over the place telling me I'm gonna do just fine (and even if I don't they'll still love me or some such nonsense ;) )
The point is, I'm in a much better head-space. And it has not been a steady increase by any means (there were many zig-zags in that particular chart) but somehow now I feel like maybe this whole thing might not drown me. Will I feel that way when I get the book lists for my comprehensive exams(duN dUN DUN)? Possibly no, but at this exact moment I'm staying above water.
And why did I decide to share these details of my life with the great wide inter-webs (or the like three people who care to read my blog)? Mostly because I didn't know if I'd ever get here. Ya'll probably know I take very few things as seriously as I take my academic career, so when I felt I might not do that well, I was in a super not-good place; that's my thing that's what I'm supposed to be good at, and what I want to pursue, and have been pursuing for five years. Which speaks to many other potential problems, I do realize, but that's not the point. The point is that despite being told that I'd get through it, I wasn't sure I believed that myself.
And I still have a year. And it's probably going to suck a great deal. But unlike last year, looking forward I think that there's a great chance that there will be a lot that doesn't suck, too. And I have a plan for my next steps, and I don't feel helpless anymore. I'm also not wary of my not-so-new-anymore surroundings and go out and explore places, which is loads of fun.
Here are a few things that have made that happen, in case your curious as to my (unique and likely flawed) process or have similar stress-levels you're going through:
-Coffee and/or tea and the shops that carry it
- chocolate
-sometimes a really long shower
-listening to Moonlight Serenade by Glen Miller on repeat
-if you watch something sad you get all the cry-yness out without actually ending up in a puddle of soggy self-doubt
-occasionally getting a decent amount of sleep
-making a little time to do something enjoyable and non-school-realted
-reminding myself when I get too bogged down that history is super freaking rad and I get to spend copious amounts of time devoted to its radness.
-making real adult meals, with a stove and everything, a few times a week
-many phone calls to my mom
-All the magical homosapiens in my life who love and support me, (and drink with me and commiserate with me) and who inspire me to be the person they somehow believe I can be
-emerging into the sunlight sometimes
-A heavenly Father who is actually radder than historical studies, who comforts me and helps me through it all. If for one second I thought I could do this without Him I was spectacularly mistaken.
So. That's me, about a year after attempting to pretend I wasn't completely losing it. Now I'm only losing it a little, which is a good improvement, I think.
Like I said, I found a new coffee shop and go there a couple times a week on the days I don't have class or work, just so I'm sometimes in the real world and not just holed up in my apartment. Also they have a bunch of delicious sounding drinks and the coolest atmosphere (Biddle's Escape for anyone in the PGH area. Seriously it's my favorite.)
The other day I even went to meet completely new people voluntarily, and they taught me how to shoot a bow and arrow and it was awesome. I will for sure be the next Green Arrow, except probably purple and with significantly lower accuracy. The Purple Arrow Who Only Sometimes Hits Her Target. Somebody make me a costume, this is going to be huge.
Alright well I shall go now, after telling my hopefuly mildly entertaining and/or inspirational and/or interesting-enough-to-breifly-pass-the-time-with story. I'm sure you all have a bunch of things that seem like much bigger deals than my various crises, but I appreciate your humoring me anyway.
As per usual I will leave you with some tunes I've been into as of late:
These two aren't new at all, but I'm reading about France and so revolutionary musicals are sure to follow:
I weirdly love this song. Like it's awful but it's so good:
And in a COMPLETELY different direction, a super catchy k-pop song because why not:
That's all for now. I wish you many lovely autumn days, all the smiles, and an refreshing nap. <3
What is on my mind is that this time(ish) last year I was in a crazy-stressed, lonely, scary little bubble of insecurity from being in a new place facing a giant new challenge that I wasn't sure (and tbh am still not sure sometimes) will pan out in the end for all the trouble it's worth. And on top of all of that I was trying (very unconvincingly I now realize. like the worst.) to pretend that I was totally not feeling that way. But I definitely was, for those of you who happen to be more unobservant than I am.
And I'm still definitely crazy-stressed, and still doubt my abilities and have an occasional existential crisis, but thinking back on those first couple months I can safely say I am so much happier. I do spend a lot of time alone (roomie is a very busy tax person who is probs more stressed than me most days, and I tend to be kind of hermit-y) but I've started visiting a nearby coffee shop, and I actually have friends here now; some really spectacular humans, both from undegrad, and that I've met through work and grad school (if I didn't have you people I might lose my mind, thank you.) Shout out especially to my Grad School people; there is literally nothing that helps more when you're overwhelmed than to have other people going through the exact same thing to get a drink with and commiserate. I'm so thankful for you people.
Not only that but I have more people than I deserve all over the place telling me I'm gonna do just fine (and even if I don't they'll still love me or some such nonsense ;) )
The point is, I'm in a much better head-space. And it has not been a steady increase by any means (there were many zig-zags in that particular chart) but somehow now I feel like maybe this whole thing might not drown me. Will I feel that way when I get the book lists for my comprehensive exams(duN dUN DUN)? Possibly no, but at this exact moment I'm staying above water.
And why did I decide to share these details of my life with the great wide inter-webs (or the like three people who care to read my blog)? Mostly because I didn't know if I'd ever get here. Ya'll probably know I take very few things as seriously as I take my academic career, so when I felt I might not do that well, I was in a super not-good place; that's my thing that's what I'm supposed to be good at, and what I want to pursue, and have been pursuing for five years. Which speaks to many other potential problems, I do realize, but that's not the point. The point is that despite being told that I'd get through it, I wasn't sure I believed that myself.
And I still have a year. And it's probably going to suck a great deal. But unlike last year, looking forward I think that there's a great chance that there will be a lot that doesn't suck, too. And I have a plan for my next steps, and I don't feel helpless anymore. I'm also not wary of my not-so-new-anymore surroundings and go out and explore places, which is loads of fun.
Here are a few things that have made that happen, in case your curious as to my (unique and likely flawed) process or have similar stress-levels you're going through:
-Coffee and/or tea and the shops that carry it
- chocolate
-sometimes a really long shower
-listening to Moonlight Serenade by Glen Miller on repeat
-if you watch something sad you get all the cry-yness out without actually ending up in a puddle of soggy self-doubt
-occasionally getting a decent amount of sleep
-making a little time to do something enjoyable and non-school-realted
-reminding myself when I get too bogged down that history is super freaking rad and I get to spend copious amounts of time devoted to its radness.
-making real adult meals, with a stove and everything, a few times a week
-many phone calls to my mom
-All the magical homosapiens in my life who love and support me, (and drink with me and commiserate with me) and who inspire me to be the person they somehow believe I can be
-emerging into the sunlight sometimes
-A heavenly Father who is actually radder than historical studies, who comforts me and helps me through it all. If for one second I thought I could do this without Him I was spectacularly mistaken.
So. That's me, about a year after attempting to pretend I wasn't completely losing it. Now I'm only losing it a little, which is a good improvement, I think.
Like I said, I found a new coffee shop and go there a couple times a week on the days I don't have class or work, just so I'm sometimes in the real world and not just holed up in my apartment. Also they have a bunch of delicious sounding drinks and the coolest atmosphere (Biddle's Escape for anyone in the PGH area. Seriously it's my favorite.)
The other day I even went to meet completely new people voluntarily, and they taught me how to shoot a bow and arrow and it was awesome. I will for sure be the next Green Arrow, except probably purple and with significantly lower accuracy. The Purple Arrow Who Only Sometimes Hits Her Target. Somebody make me a costume, this is going to be huge.
Alright well I shall go now, after telling my hopefuly mildly entertaining and/or inspirational and/or interesting-enough-to-breifly-pass-the-time-with story. I'm sure you all have a bunch of things that seem like much bigger deals than my various crises, but I appreciate your humoring me anyway.
As per usual I will leave you with some tunes I've been into as of late:
These two aren't new at all, but I'm reading about France and so revolutionary musicals are sure to follow:
I weirdly love this song. Like it's awful but it's so good:
And in a COMPLETELY different direction, a super catchy k-pop song because why not:
That's all for now. I wish you many lovely autumn days, all the smiles, and an refreshing nap. <3
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