Adulting is hard, but...

So. Here we are, already about halfway through my last fall semester of my undergraduate career. I'm not sure how that happened, and most days I'm genuinely not a fan of this whole "being a senior" thing and making grown-up decisions. But after several weeks of slowly dying of debilitating anxiety, today I actually got really excited about it.

Here's a tip: figuring out what to do after undergrad is hard. Especially so if one is in the field of history-or, I imagine, most humanities- because there is a limited amount of opportunity even for people with higher degrees than mine, so just jumping into the job market after graduation is not a really viable option. So what's next? Grad schools, preferably a good, recognizable one. Now, if you thought applying to colleges the first time around was hard, try grad school hunting while meanwhile having a full course-load, a part-time job, an internship of sorts, and three clubs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to complain (about that list of stuff, I mean, I am absolutely complaining about grad schools) it just makes making giant life decisions more stressful than it already is. Then there's finding out that you didn't really know as much about your aspiratory field as you thought and so how prepared for that undertaking are you really? And then there's GRE's which are basically an SAT for higher degrees.

 There was more than one moment that I was tempted to just say "screw it" and run away, maybe to be hermit in a cave in Ireland. Or marry a rich Irishman. Or Englishman. Or Scotsman. Or maybe just never interact with the outside world again. I don't know, but I figure I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.

Hello, Human

But no. In all honesty, I thank God so much for advisors and professors who are genuinely invested in helping me achieve my goals, no matter how impossible attaining those goals sometimes seems. They have been talking with me and helping me make decisions about my best options, telling me books I should start reading and projects I should start working on. They don't have to do this, but they are anyway, and I'm so grateful; I would be so lost without their help.

So there I was, after another meeting that, while helpful, still left me kind of stressed about making decisions and adult-ing and stuff, because after I make the decisions I still have to do those things I've decided to do, which often makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. But then I had a thought.

Be a rock star. That's a plan. And blue. No problem. A blue rock star.
Just kidding, that's not it at all, and anyway it's been done. 

Yeah, this is stressful, and yes, I wish it were a million times easier, but this is something I want. I may not have always wanted to be a historian (most of my life I've wanted to straight up be an author of novels- which I still do, believe me-and had very little interest elsewhere) but I do now, so much. It's a field that I have a lot of passion for and what would be better than spending my life doing that? It's hard now, and I don't really expect that it'll ever really be "easy," but I believe that it'll be worth it in the long run.

And anyway, it could be so much harder. As it is I have multiple professors who I genuinely admire helping me to work towards my goals. I have a family and friends that supports me and believes I have enough potential to do whatever I put my mind to. I have these opportunities that are right in front of me and all I have to do is put in some work-albeit incredibly exhausting work- and I could have a chance of doing some really wonderful things. I'm told nothing great comes without some hard work, after all, so maybe this is leading to something great, maybe something I haven't even imagined myself.

Call me cute. I dare you. 

It's a weird life, it really is. It's an exciting one, too, though. There are a lot of negative things, doubt, anxiety, and the everyday stresses of life, but there is so much that is really, really, really good. That makes me hopeful and happy. Thank you, Jesus. :)

So... I didn't mean to get all preachy and "deep" but it's what's been on my mind a lot lately. What's also on my mind, on a more lighthearted note, is that Felicity from Arrow is going to be on the Flash next Tuesday. So while the former is currently a dark hole of tormented Olicity and Sara feels that I nevertheless am sucked inextricably into, Felicity is basically my favorite and Barry Allen is like an adorable speedy little puppy; I think it's going to be a fun one. Yay. :)

Also, if any of you ever want to know a pretty solid volume of information about the Medici family from Renaissance Italy, I have a great PBS documentary to recommend (thank you Ren and Ref class).

OH MY GOSH LOOK AT IT I WANT IT GIMME!

And if nothing else makes you smile, remember there is peanut butter and chocolate in this world, which is really a beautiful thing.

Now, you may have noticed some seemingly random pictures,

What is happening? I was not prepared to deal with this! 

*Lllllliick* All better. 

 and you are not wrong- they have nothing to do with what I was talking about. I've just been weirdly obsessed with Stitch and foxes lately (and oh my gosh that lemur's adorable), and have no self control, so I'm going to leave you with those cute pictures, and also a video, because Beyonce.

#Queen